George Matulaitis Journal

92 ransacked and a search for secret religious societies was launched to flush out Jesuits 1 and others. People to whomwe had to report about what we were doing, even priests, made fun of us and of our plans, predicting that nothing would come of them. There were, however, some priests and bishops—good, God fearing men—who gave us their approval. But our greatest confidence is in you, O Lord! “In You, Lord, I have placed my trust and will never be put to shame.” 2 Lord, you see that we desire nothing other than Your greater glory, the perfection and salvation of our own souls and those of others, the welfare and exaltation of Your Church. Accept our good will, Lord, and also all our abilities and talents, our lives—everything that we have and are. Use us according to Your will. During this retreat 3 , I felt tired and drained. Besides, I had to conduct it and needed to be more concerned about others than about myself. All I can see is that I am still full of imperfections, truly a great and abject sinner. In everything that I have undertaken in my life, whatever I have attempted to do, no matter which of my duties I reflect upon, everywhere I see so many mistakes, faults, and sins. That is why during this retreat I made an effort to renew my spirit in general, to revive the ideals of my spiritual life and vocation, and to lift my soul higher to God. I made only these three resolutions: 1. to try to live in the closest union with the Lord God in my inner spiritual life and to seek God in all things so that I may become more pleasing to Him; 2. to use my time to the best advantage and not waste a moment of it—especially to avoid distracting thoughts about peripheral matters and concerns that interfere with the work I am doing at the moment; 3. to make an effort to write down the Instructions and, in general, to do my best to serve my friends and brothers. I shall make my particular examination of conscience on how I spend my time. September 7 Today I made my monthly retreat. Thank You, Lord, for all Your graces. Most Blessed Virgin Mary, I ask you to obtain from your Son the 1 The Jesuits had been banned from Russia since 1820 by decree of Czar Nicholas I. Alexander II, in 1864, decreed that religious orders were forbidden to receive candidates. Nicholas II (1854-1917), who was ruling at this time, continued the anti-Catholic policies of his predecessors. 2 A line from the hymn, Te Deum : “In te, Domine, speravi, non confundar in eternum.” 3 This was the long annual retreat.