Get to know the Diary of… January 17, 1938. Today, since early in the morning, my soul has been in darkness. I cannot ascend to Jesus, and I feel as though I have been forsaken by Him. I will not turn to creatures for light, because I know that they will not enlighten me if Jesus wills to keep me in darkness. I submit myself to His holy will and suffer. Still, the struggle is becoming more and more desperate. When I went, in my thoughts, to the chapel, my spirit was plunged into even greater darkness. Total discouragement came over me. Then I heard Satan’s voice: “See how contradictory everything is that Jesus gives to you: He tells you to found a convent, and then He gives you sickness; He tells you to set about establishing this Feast of Mercy while the whole world does not at all want such a feast. Why do you pray for this feast? It is so inopportune.” My soul remained silent and, by an act of will, continued to pray without entering into conversation with the Spirit of Darkness. Nevertheless, such an extraordinary disgust with life came over me that I had to make a great act of the will to consent to go on living... And again I heard the tempter’s words: “Ask for death for yourself, tomorrow after Holy Communion. God will hear you, for He has heard you so many times before and has given you what you asked for.” I remained silent and, by an act of will, I began to pray, or rather, submitted myself to God, asking Him interiorly not to abandon me at this moment. It was already eleven o’clock at night, and there was silence all around. The sisters were all asleep in their cells, and my soul alone was struggling with great exertion. The tempter went on: “Why should you bother about other souls? You ought to be praying only for yourself. As for sinners, they will be converted without your prayers. I see that you are suffering very much at this moment. I’m going to give you a piece of advice on which your happiness will depend: never speak about God’s mercy and, in particular, do not encourage sinners to trust in God’s mercy, because they deserve a just punishment. Another very important thing: do not tell your confessors, and especially this extraordinary confessor and the priest in Vilnius, about what goes on in your soul. I know them; I know who they are, and so I want to put you on your guard against them. You see, to live as a good nun, it is sufficient to live like all the others. Why expose yourself to so many difficulties?” I remained silent, and by an act of will I dwelt in God, although a moan escaped from my heart. Finally, the tempter went away and I, exhausted, fell asleep immediately. In the morning, right after receiving Holy Communion, I went immediately to my cell and falling on my knees I renewed my act Saint Faustina My daughter, I want to teach you about spiritual warfare. Never trust in yourself, but abandon yourself totally to My will.
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